


Incoming

by Elster



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Satire, Typical Night Vale Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 11:38:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3976660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elster/pseuds/Elster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Night Vale news story.</p>
<p>Just putting that out there into the void as long as I hear Night Vale Community Radio News in my head.<br/>I may add more. But then again, I may not...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Incoming

The City Council would like to announce that as of today the Resolution against Discrimination on Grounds of State of Being forbids questioning or categorizing citizens regarding their self- and/or foreign-identification as living, dead, un-dead, un-living, eternally existing, mostly just hanging around, you know and/or existing on a higher dimensional plane.  
The issue had been brought up by recent allegations voiced by representatives of the barista district. According to them eternally existing beings were statistically far less likely to fall victim to random traffic controls, questionings and extended questionings by the Sheriff’s Secret Police. In contrast, beings who were found mostly just hanging around, you know, had significantly more encounters with the Sheriff’s Secret Police.  
In this context an incident was cited where several baristas had been made responsible for placing dead animals - mostly small animals, but also one rather large horse - on community ground, which, as we all know, constitutes the public offense of Major Littering as long as the dead body in question is not your own body and/or is not used for eating, feeding, ritual sacrifices and/or other unspecified purposes.  
The baristas were dealt with in secret by the Sheriff’s Secret Police as is customary, but as their legal representative complained in an eerily echoing voice from inside the Night Vale legal representative’s oubliette, there might be evidence that implicates other parties to be responsible. “We all know who did it,” the legal representative insisted to be cited, “and while it is understandable that the Sheriff’s Secret Police hesitates to arrest or even face the true culprit (ALL HAIL), that did not mean that they could just vent their frustration on the ‘usual suspects’.”  
The Sheriff’s Secret Police’s spokesbeing demented such allegation. “It is ridiculous to think,” it sneered, “that members of the Sheriff’s Secret Police would deliberately pick on baristas. Nobody would do that. It’s not at all a beloved hobby or sport to pick on baristas and we do not have a tally sheet in the Hovering Office and neither do we keep baristas as pets or make them fight against each other to the death and place bets,” it said. “That would be completely unprofessional,” it added.  
The spokesbeing announced further that while the decision of the City Council regarding the Resolution against Discrimination on Grounds of State of Being was acknowledged with concern… no not concern, rather disappointment - because it would make it much harder to decide on an appropriate method of liquidation in case of civil unrest, not because it would make baristas harder to identify as mostly just hanging around, you know - the Sheriff’s Secret Police would of course delete the corresponding data from their citizen databases. This process would start immediately and with the highest priority, but could not possibly be finished before the turn of the next century as the data would have to be found and blacked out by hand in the file folder of every Night Vale citizen. “And let me tell you,” the spokesbeing said, “these are a lot of very thick folders we have there.”


End file.
